Hurting again...still

Corey and I went to church yesterday and while we were greeting each other a lady asks me if I'm having a baby. Now maybe she didn't know we lost the baby (it's been 4 months, she should have known) or if she thought I looked pregnant yesterday. I did have on a cotton empire waist dress but seriously I don't think I looked pregnant, and if I was still pregnant I would look a heck of a lot more pregnant than I possibly could have to her in that dress. So after I walked out in tears and retreated to the restroom for a little while I rejoined Corey back in church and made it through. But then all day yesterday, I was sad. I just couldn't shake. Something in me just snapped and I just moped around all day. I haven't done that in quite a while and I feel like I took some steps backward. Thanks lady in church.

I've been reading "Conquering Infertility". It's been good so far. I think I've decided I need to see a therapist. I think I could possibly be depressed and the book says depressed people have even more trouble getting pregnant. It's just a vicious cycle. I'm depressed because I'm not pregnant and can't get pregnant because I'm depressed. AHH! I want to get off this rollercoaster of infertility. I've been on the ride long enough and am ready to get off.

Corey finish month 1 of his Fertility Blend last night. We go to the specialist in one month so he will be able to finish another month of it and then hopefully we will see some good results.

Oh and I go back to school in 4 days! I can't believe summer is over in 4 days. Where did the time go?!?!

Standardized Tests are no fun! :(

I took my PLT today. WOW! I felt really unprepared and would not want to give me a teaching license based on how I felt taking those tests today. They were tougher than everyone made them out to be. Probably because they have already passed. It was a long day and in four LONG weeks I should have the results. I really hoped I passed but man they were tough and I tried my hardest so we will see.

My new plan of attack

AF isn't here but I'm sure she is on her way. I can just tell, I don't know how since I don't have any cramps not did my temp drop, I just can. I've decided that for this next cycle I won't be using OPKs. I'm going to continue to temp just because I feel like I have to, it just seems like my morning routine would be all messed up if I didn't take my temp and then import once I'm up and then stare at my chart for a few minutes. I think I will drink the green tea again this cycle, mostly because I like it but also because it really does help my body produce EWCM. I also used all my tests up this cycle except one IC so I may use it next cycle and I may just not even bother.

Corey and I got a card in the mail today from his stepmom that is very sweet. It has a girl on the front with her hands folded and it says "I said my very best prayers" and on the inside it says "and I said them for you". It really feels good to know that they are supporting us and they want to be kept informed with our decisions. Most of you don't know but for a long time I did not feel accepted into Corey's family. I felt like the outsider that didn't belong for many reasons but in the last year that has all changed and I really feel like I belong. I'm sitting here crying just thinking about it because it's something that upset me for so long. It feels really good to belong and it feels even better to know that they are being so supportive. Now if my mom would just stop making comments that are not acceptable to say to someone in our position I would feel a lot better.

BFN...imagine that

I'm 12dpo and got a BFN today. I can't believe it has taken us this long. I never expected this. It's been a year now. I'm back to having a May baby. I just don't understand all of this. Why does this happen to people? Why did this happen to us? I can't deal with this anymore and really don't want to kepp TTC. I just don't even know what to say right now. I need to go cry. :(

No News...Really

I'm in the 2ww which is dreadful. I'm 5 DPO and already contemplating when I should test. I'm completely crazy and think I should test sometime this week. I have some IC's so I wouldn't really be wasting too much money, just some pocket change. I'm know, I'm crazy!

The only symptom I have been noticing is I'm extremely exhausted. I really shouldn't be tired, I sleep on my own schedule and get up whenever I want. I really haven't taken many naps this summer but the last few days I have just fallen asleep in the afternoon. I'm hoping it's a good sign. Oh, and I will continue to feel myself up until my boobs start hurting! :)

Step away from the kitchen...

I really need summer to be over. Or should I say, my waistline needs summer to be over! I can't stop baking. I love to bake and when I get bored I bake and after I bake I eat it, all of it. Today I made personal fruit pizzas. They are really good, but seriously I don't need them and since DH doesn't eats sweets like I do, I will probably eat them, all of them. Here they are.

And if you didn't already guess it, yes I ate the missing one! :) I used strawberries (my favorite fruit) and pineapple (also my favorite fruit). I need the pineapple for the core (to eat for the next five days), oh did I forget to tell you that I ovulated, and decided I could make these with the leftover fruit.

And here is a picture of Jules, just because!

Fertility Blend

Corey got his Fertility Blend the other day and has started taking it twice a day. I've also been continuing to drink a bottle of Green Tea a day. I'm really starting to get sick of it but I really do notice a difference when I drink it. Oh, and Corey is eating a can of oysters most days per his dad's instructions! :)

I've been really bad about my temp the last few days. I'm either staying up too late or waking up and tossing and turning too close to 7 am to get an accurate temp. I guess that is why it's good that we decided to just have sex every other day this cycle. I also haven't gotten a positive OPK yet so I think it's okay and I'm not missing my temp shift.

**I'm pregnant until someone says I'm not.**

Here is a picture from a recent wedding we went to.