No more blood work

I'm all done with my blood work. My hormone levels were at a 1. YES, no more needles!

In other news, Corey had is 3 month follow-up SA from his varicocelectomy. Bad news, his count only went from 2 million to 5 million. Now, yes it did double but 5 million is not good when the lowest number to still be considered average is 20 million. I'm trying to look at it in the way that we only need 1 and he has 5 million. It was tough blow yesterday but his Dr. is very proactive (luckily) and has several things he wants him to try. One of those things is Clomid. I haven't been able to find much on the internet about about men taking Clomid since it's usually used to initiate ovulation. His doctor just told him to think about it and make an appt. if he (we) decide to give it a try. At this point I'm thinking we should continue to try for 3 more months and have him re-checked at 6 months to see if there are any improvements and then give it a try.

Needless to say it was an emotional rollercoaster the last few days but I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's not easy but I'm trying.

More bloodwork

I went in for more bloodwork today. I'm really hoping my hcg levels will be back to 0. Two weeks ago they were at a three so we will see. I'm so tired of having blood taken. I hate needles so much.

Memorial Day

Why is it that everyday I'm presented with something that makes me think about what I have lost? Today is easy. Memorial Day...I should be remembering what I have lost. I lost my first child. As much as I want to remember my child and the way I felt during pregnancy I also want to be able to move forward and stop crying on a daily basis. I feel like I'm living a nightmare and I just want to wake up from it and still be pregnant will a 15 week fetus. Today I would have been 15 weeks. It doesn't really seem that far along but when I think about it in the way that I should be a month away from finding out the sex it kills me. I should be well on my way to having a cute little bump. I should be deciding how to decorate the nursery not still piling junk in it because I have no where else to put it. I should be taking my belly pictures today not looking in the mirror thinking how bloated I am from AF. I really think I need to get pregnant again ASAP before i go off the deep end. I'm tired of being sad but I don't know what else to feel. Some days I feel mad but mostly just sad. I want to be optimistic that I will be pregnant again very soon but the reality is that might not happen. It took eight months to get pregnant the first time why should I think it will happen any sooner this time. I hate that I'm on the verge of giving up and living a child-less life and just being the cool aunt that spoils all the other children in the family.

Cycle #10, Cycle #2 post D&C

AF decided it was time for a visit today. I'm pretty upset about it and cried myself to sleep last night. It hurts so bad because I don't understand how I could want to be pregnant for so long and then I finally was and then it was all taken away from me. I just hate this whole thing. I haven't had AF since February and it almost feels like my first AF ever. I just feel like it's a whole new thing when it's not. I really wish I knew what was going on and why this is all happening to me. I know it's not happening to only me and I don't understand why it happens at all. Why do people lose babies? I've been told that maybe something was wrong with the baby and it's for the best. But, f*ck that, if something was wrong with the baby then he/she needed a mommy and daddy to love it and that could have been us. God, if you are reading this please answer my question as to why this happened to me and to so many others.

I guess the good thing to come of all of this is that my temperature today was much better. Last cycle my temps were very low, 96.something before "O" and only 97.something after. Today's temp was 97.3 which is normal for me and hopefully they will continue to stay normal with my post O temps being 98.something.

6 weeks

It has been 6 weeks since we got the most devasting news of our lives. I'm definetly having more good days than bad days but today was one of the bad days. I tested again today even though yesterday was a BFN and guess what today was too. I knew I should wait but I would rather see the negative than to wonder all day. I will test again tomorrow too. This whole thing has been pretty difficult on Corey and I. I've decided this must be the worse in "for better or worse". I cry a lot and often feel like Corey doesn't understand even though I know he does and he is just grieving differently. I hate that all I think about is how other people are having babies and I am not. I so bad want to be in thier shoes and I'm not and I can't help but be disappointed about it. I have a friend that I have only talked to once since the loss because she is pregnant and due about 3 weeks after my EDD. I hate that I don't feel like I can be happy for her. She has been through a loss and I know she knows how much I'm hurting but I feel horrible that I feel so sorry for myself when I should be feeling happiness for her.

I'm really trying to move forward by I'm feeling like I won't be able to do that until I'm finally pregnant with a healthy baby. Hopefully tomorrow I will be surprised with a BFP.

10DPO

I tested this morning and got a...BFN! I know it's probably too early and this is the thought process that went through my ming. If the egg implanted on Saturday my betas could have got up to 5 (lets say) so by yesterday they would have only been at 10 and then by tomorrow they could be at 20(still not picked up on a test) and by Friday they could be at 40. So I will probably test again on Thursday since I can't wait until Friday, that is unless AF shows up.

The good news is that DH and I bought a new mattress today so if AF does show up maybe a new mattress will do the trick next cycle?!?!

Symptoms?

I'm really hoping the things I've been noticing are symptoms and we're not moving on to next month.

*tiredness(could be because it's summer vacation and I'm getting kind of bored)
*bloat(my bloat had all gone away finally and the last few days I've noticed that it has come back)
*#2(I also have a lot of #2's with AF)
*sweet tooth(I always have a sweet tooth but I've been really wanting sweets)
*weird cramps(Not where I usually feel AF cramps and a different feeling also)
*wet CM(with my pregnancy I noticed wetter and more CM and was constanly going to the bathroom to check for spotting)

Last time I had really sore boobs and they don't hurt at all right now so hopefully that's not working against me.

I OVULATED

OMG! I figured I had ovulated but Ovusoft finally agreed with me. I am currently 6DPO. AND I still have the sore throat. I'm thinking I will test on Tuesday if my temps are still up. I figured that will be 10DPO and that will give me time to have two betas ran by Thursday. (My Dr. doesn't work on Fridays) Of course if I don't get a BFP on Tuesday I will keep checking until I do or until AF shows up. I will just have to ask my Dr. to let someone look at my bloodwork since I won't be able to go all weekend without knowing. Good think I love the nurse practitioner also. I'm officialling crazy I know. Too much to think about. This all makes me wish I would have just got KTFU unexpectedly. Right now a surprise pregnancy seems much better than everything we are putting ourselves through.

Could this be a sign

I noticed this afternoon that my throat really started hurting. Normally I would be pissed that my throat hurts since I'm a big baby and hate to feel sick. Well, then I got to thinking and put two and two together to figure out that the last sore throat I had was during the 2WW that led to my BFP. OMG! I went back and looked at my chart and my sore throat started 4-5 DPO and today just happens to be 4-5 DPO. OMG! Could this be? I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but also before I figured this out I was at the grocery store and saw a girl that is due a couple weeks before my EDD and she is very much showing and I didn't feel the hatred I have felt towards every other pregnant lady I have seen since the loss. Am I finally healing or am I pregnant? I really hope it is both but being pregnant would really help my healing process. Now that I'm driving myself crazy I will have to wait it out and see what happens. If this turns out to just be a sore throat I will be crushed but it is really making me feel better thinking more into it.

One of those days

I had one of those days where anything that can go wrong, will. Today is my first day of summer. I had my last day of school yesterday. I work part-time waiting tables at a local restraunt. Well today I should have just stayed home. We were really busy and I don't usually work during lunch(which is a completely different dynamic than dinner)so I was all out of whack. I broke 3 dishes, I pissed off a customer(I don't know what I did) who complained to my boss, I keyed in an oder wrong , I forgot one customer's salad, and I gave the wrong to go order to someone. Finally one of the cookss told em that I should just go back home and go to bed and wake up tomorrow. It was rough.

I also had my betas checked again yesterday and they were at 3. I have to go back in two weeks to have them checked again. The good news is that I think I finally ovulated. My temp has been up for the last three days, but Ovusoft thinks that I'm in my infertile phase based on past cycles so it won't say that I ovulated. Hopefully in two weeks I will see that little plus sign that once made me so happy.

What is going on...

I have no idea what is going on with my body anymore. I'm on CD 26 and I don't really think I've ovulated yet. This is driving me crazy. I 've always been so regular that all this not knowing what to expect is driving me crazy. I've decided that we will just have sex every other day until I start my period or I'm KTFU! Here's my ridiculous chart in case you might be interested...http://www.tcoyf.com/forum/chart.asp?id=ashs

One more day of class. YAY!

More Blood Tests

OMFG!! Seriously, I have to have another blood test on Monday. The nurse called this morning and my levels are at 7. Seven, are you kidding me. I've read that they only have to be at a 5 for your body not to think it's pregnant anymore but I still have to have another test. My arms seriously look like someone beat me up! I hate needles and I hate giving up my blood. All these blood draws make me so scared to get pregnant again and I hate that I feel this way. Anyway, hopefully since I went from 24 to 7 in one week I will be low enough on Monday not to have to have it happen again. Plus, I think I must be getting lower since I had a ton of EWCM yesterday and I think I might be about ready to ovulate. I've seen this acronym on the Nest before, FLB(f'ing like bunnies)and this is TMI but we have been FLB since the D&C so surely it will work in our favor.

Another Dr. Appt.

I had to go in today for another blood draw to make sure my HCG numbers are finally back to O. Well, Saturday night I noticed this little bump on the back of my leg and didn't think much about it. Then yesterday it got a lot bigger and redder and was warm to the touch. Today was even worse. I got an appointment and apparently I got bit by something and had an allergic reaction. I'm on antibiotics and hoping it goes away soon, it kind of hurts. I also had my blook drawn and lucky for me she got it right the first time instead of poking me 2 or more times like usual. I think she felt bad though because she saw the bruise I have from the last blood draw that she did. I'm expecting the nurse to call tomorrow with my numbers.

In other news, I only have 2 days of class left. I have three things left to turn in. One is due tomorrow(it's done) and then the other two things are due next Monday(they are not done yet). Today was my last day with my kindergartners and that was quite sad. Here is a picture of me with them. It's quite cute I might add.

Under 200 days...

So, I post on The Nest. Quite a lot actually, but I can't figure out how to get the stupid website to understand that I'm not pregnant anymore. I've changed my profile back to TTC but it still tells me what week I would be in and how many days I would have left. Well, today is the day that I would have broke the 200 day mark. It would also be the first day of my 12th week. :(

I'm attending a bridal shower today, it was my way out of a baby shower. I'm excited though, it's for a girl I grew up with and her name is Ashley too!

If you are reading this and know how to correct the problem on The Nest please help me out.

AHHH

So, I thought I would be ovulating this week. Actually I thought I ovulated yesterday since my temperature went up today. But, I got a call from the nurse today and she said my HCG numbers from Tuesday were 24. I don't know if this means I can ovulate yet or not. I have to have them checked again on Monday. I took a HPT because I'm a crazy lady and it was negative. I think that is probably a good thing. Part of me wishes I ovulated earlier than I think and the numbers are up because I'm pregnant again but I really don't think that is possible since I would have had to ovulate last week sometime to have numbers like that on Tuesday. AHH! I'm so confused with my body now.