Memorial Day

Why is it that everyday I'm presented with something that makes me think about what I have lost? Today is easy. Memorial Day...I should be remembering what I have lost. I lost my first child. As much as I want to remember my child and the way I felt during pregnancy I also want to be able to move forward and stop crying on a daily basis. I feel like I'm living a nightmare and I just want to wake up from it and still be pregnant will a 15 week fetus. Today I would have been 15 weeks. It doesn't really seem that far along but when I think about it in the way that I should be a month away from finding out the sex it kills me. I should be well on my way to having a cute little bump. I should be deciding how to decorate the nursery not still piling junk in it because I have no where else to put it. I should be taking my belly pictures today not looking in the mirror thinking how bloated I am from AF. I really think I need to get pregnant again ASAP before i go off the deep end. I'm tired of being sad but I don't know what else to feel. Some days I feel mad but mostly just sad. I want to be optimistic that I will be pregnant again very soon but the reality is that might not happen. It took eight months to get pregnant the first time why should I think it will happen any sooner this time. I hate that I'm on the verge of giving up and living a child-less life and just being the cool aunt that spoils all the other children in the family.